The Short Guide to Small Squidgy Things

The wide-mouthed small squidgy thing is a rare creature, found mainly in Great Britain, very rarely anywhere else, and only on Wednesdays. They live below and above ground in vegetable patches, by sneakily burrowing through and making chambers in potatoes and other root vegetables, then surfacing underneath things such as pumpkins, emptying them out to make comfortable chambers.

Aside from physically seeing a small squidgy thing, the only way to tell they are there is if your vegetables are lit from the inside at night.

The small squidgy thing is roughly as intelligent as a four year old, but much more mellow. They cultivate glow worms for light and amusement, and enjoy art forms such as stacking stones and scribbling on leaves.

Underground, the squidgy thing can move easily enough braced against tunnel walls, but above ground they waddle and have a tendency to fall over. The fastest above ground method of locomotion for a small squidgy thing is to fall over forward, grabbing the ears (the highest point they can reach) and pulling the head right down so that they roll. The popping up and pulling down of the head each revolution provides the momentum to roll indefinitely, or as long as they can go without getting horribly dizzy and seasick.

They eat woodlice and millipedes by preference, but any insect will do, and grow from 2 to 10 centimetres tall. They drink water primarily, but prefer alcohol, which they make or steal. Their only method of communication is in an ultrasonic yodel, and they are most closely related to the bat. They give birth to live young which are born comatose, and gradually nursed to health, avoiding the noisy baby stage humans have to live through. If lucky, they can live up to 30 years old, which in small squidgy thing years is roughly 300.


If you have particularly pestilential small squidgy things and want to get rid of them, they are oddly immune to all poisons except mint, which they find delicious but makes them swell up and combust.